Hello i am very sorry for not writing you earlier. I have spent the last year
completely re-evaluating my whole life.
When I came to you for help, I just wanted to get off of Methadone. The
next thing I know, I have forgiven myself for mistakes of my past. My
obsession with my faults, my guilt, and everything self conscious has…
gone. It was not sudden. It was a gradual change in my whole outlook on
life. What I used to think was important, is no longer, and the things I
used to overlook are now what makes me happy. I have a sense of… I can
only call it natural, real happiness. I am not always walking around with
a silly clown smile, but sometimes I do. I laugh a lot. I feel that the
future is going to be alright. And I dont obsess with things out of my
control.
Iboga was not an instant fix. It was something that I had to work with.
How can I say this right? The iboga did not work, the Iboga and I worked
together. I had a lot of responsibly, and choices, and I could have made
the bad choices, but iboga was somewhere in the back of my mind, reminding
me to be stronger. It is a miracle non-the-less. It gave me the choice. It
did not do all the work for me, but it has been like an angel on my
shoulder, reminding me that I have power inside, and hope is very alive. I
stayed clean from heroin for about 8 months after the treatment. I slipped
up and started using again, but everything I thought I loved about heroin
was gone. I am completely convinced that the spirit of iboga was with me,
inside my head, helping me. I believe I had to relapse, just to see. I
think it was all part of the plan for me. I stopped the heroin after only
one month, cold turkey. But here is the strange thing… I was only sick
for a couple of
days, and not the month long ordeal that I had before. My body
recuperated very quickly. Within a week, I was exercising, and for some
reason I wanted to push my body. I think I was entering another phase of
my healing. And after I stopped using (only one month of relapse), I had
no desire to return to it. I have been trying to explain it to myself,
and understand it. I dont have any dreams about using, I never think
about it, and I am motivated to make really positive changes in my life.
I have not used, or even thought about using for the last 3 months. I
feel strong, I lost all the Methadone weight I was carrying around. I am
30lbs lighter! I have real relationships with people. I feel much
smarter, my head is clear.
I just wanted to get off the Methadone as quickly as possible… and
now I can see that the benefit I gained from the spirit is something
completely unexpected. I am thankful for being clean, but I see it as a
side affect. The real effect that Iboga has done to me is that I am
confident, I am sure of what I am, and I dont dwell on negativity. I am
ALIVE. I am emotionally stable. For the first time since I was a child, I
am not afraid of what people think about the way I look, the way I talk,
or the way I am. Because it is ME, and I like me. Also, I like people. I
believe people are generally good.
I am having a hard time putting this all in to words. I believe you
understand what has happened to me. I have my life back. My emotion, good
or bad, is real, and I am healthy. My body is strong like when I was 19! I
swim 1 kilometer everyday. I used to think that people liked me because
the heroin made me emotionally stable, brave, or even attractive. But it
was all inside of me, and I never believed it.
From my whole heart, THANK YOU. I love you, and I will never forget
what you have done for me.
I wish I could put it all into words. Even a year later, I am still
working to understand the spirit, and the visions. I told you I was going
to make a video, but I am so worried that I cant get the true message
across. I want to paint a picture that only Leonardo Di Vince could.
Iboga, and what it has done for me, deserves it. And I am still learning
from myself all it has done. Honestly, I dont know where to start. At
least once a week I do something, or something happens, and I realize that
my response is not like it would have been. I have changed. I am healthy,
and I have control, and I feel… alive.
I hope, after I finish school, that I can return to Holland to see you. I
may need to see the spirit again, but not until I better understand what
the spirit has given me so far.
Thank you. You have given me hope. I have been reborn. Tell the kids
I say hello. I hope they are doing well.

 

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