I took my Iboga trip to inner realms on June 21, 1996, as planned. This stuff is so much more powerful and far-reaching than even I had imagined, and I’m the champ of optimism.
As the energy moved into my system, I could hear and feel electrical frequency accelerating in the most powerful wave of energy. The feeling of expansion in my head was so intense it was momentarily frightening. Then I remembered all I had read and observed of the harmlessness of the experience and relaxed into it.
I waited for the beautiful colors about which everyone had told me. It was not to be a part of my experience this day. All I saw was gray and black. The first image I saw was like a cutout of a head from an old black and white photograph. It moved toward me, getting more extensive, and when it was larger, it was right in my face. It was male and looked familiar, but I was unable to place it. I sensed the lips moving, and looked down to see him mouthing (no sound) “I love you.” I immediately recognized him as my first spiritual teacher and my first love, from early adolescence. I then saw many similar faces cut from black and white photos of people I knew long, long ago, floating across the screen of my mind from right to left. I connected with some, energetically, while others floated past. My ancestors were visiting me. All I connected with are known by me to be deceased, including my early teacher. Following this, I began to see black and white cutouts of dead bodies floating by in the same way, laid out with their arms crossed over their chests, and a flower spray placed on top of them. About every other one was me!
I felt puzzled and confused, and spoke mentally to my body, “If you are afraid this is killing you, throw it out.” It did, big time, as in the exorcist. I have since been in contact with more information about the Iboga use and the doorways it opens. I now realize the opportunity presented through this that I would not have missed if I had known then what I know now. Had I been more knowledgeable, better prepared, and less fearful, I would have gone through the death experience into the next dimension and experienced that dimension, as I now know, is an integral part of the experience. Just as one friend threw up when presented with his “threshold,” and as another closed his eyes and rejected the opportunity to become his Angel of Light, fear kept me from walking through death into the higher realm. I knew now how to prepare others to be able to more fully and freely embrace the experience. The recently acquired information, which I will soon share with you, fellow travelers, shows the potential most clearly.
That was the end of visuals for me, for I had closed the door.
After that, I fully experienced emotions from no apparent source, all with no interaction with my mind. I went into the depths of despair, hopelessness, worthlessness, feeling any other perception of life I had ever held was an illusion and that this was the only truth that existed. Everything was dark, with no light anywhere. I experienced and acknowledged my shadow self. When I emerged 48 hours later, I had the memory of having experienced every negative energy I had within me to the most profound darkest potential, which left me depressed and hopeless. In a few hours, wisdom returned, and I began to have insights, flickers of memory kept surfacing. In a couple of days, I began to understand areas I had healed and to comprehend the benefits of the experience in a new approach to life. Realizations of the benefits of the experience are still surfacing four weeks later. Benjamin assures me that this is what he expected me to experience as an initiate. I went into and experienced my dark side and released much of it, leaving me much more connected to the whole. The benefits I have observed thus far are:
I am considerably more crucially in contact with the entirety of life, less isolated, increasingly brought together. I have a progressively stirred feeling of taste and am getting a charge out of flavors with increased delight. I am in the stunningness of the multifaceted design and magnificence of nature in a euphoric manner.
Confidence in and knowledge of the ways God has always supported me, from within me from early childhood, has given me a new serenity.
I never again want to fix anything in me or any other person, no convincing motivation to accomplish anything notwithstanding the way that I may do it is conceivable that: I am free into the fundamental enjoyment of mostly being.
The knowledge that I am perfect exactly as I am. What I once perceived as flaws are part of my ideal wholeness.
Confidence in my body’s ability to attract, generate, manifest all it needs for perfect health with no striving on my part.
Free from the need to be the most, the best, anything. To be me is enough, and life will effortlessly follow that which I am designed to accomplish within my capabilities. I have all I need to fulfill life’s requirements for me.
I have an intermittently clear picture of my true essence, who I am, what I came here to do, and my ability to do it. It is as if the clouds have been somewhat dispersed, and on occasion clear, for brief periods. This has released me from the formerly crippling power of negative emotion. These negative emotions were surfacing much more powerfully and frequently for about two weeks. I recognized them and their source, and I can lovingly allow their expression without allowing them to control or influence my decisions and actions. Each time I transcend their power, I become freer and get closer to my higher, authentic expression. I now see how these energies I accumulated had carried repressed, unacknowledged, and unresolved experiences, had pushed and stressed my life, devouring my energy and joy in living. I am now relaxed in the exquisite pleasure of simply being. I see the sources of many of these negative energies. I know I absorbed much of them from others — family, society, religion — accepting their truth as valid when it had nothing to do with my honesty. Now that my reality is clear to me, I no longer need to hold their imprints, thinking them valid. I feel free and no longer driven.
Would I do it again? That is an emphatic yes…but not for a while. I am still processing what I received. To receive the full rewards of this strategy requires attention and focus. It opens the gateway, but the individual must go in and do their part. It is simply the best open door for mental investigation and mending I have ever experienced, yet it’s anything but a penicillin shot, where the recuperating is done unwittingly. It requires collaboration.
The most critical blessing I have gotten from Iboga is the capacity to appreciate playing, and the opportunity to play without blame, and to welcome the individuals who have known continuously the significance and delight of play. My life has been, until now, one of only enjoying and valuing work. Now a new and beautiful dimension is added. I was unable to appreciate the value of play and pure pleasure or to understand those who did. Now I do.
For about seven days after my experience, I continued seeing the light energy flowing through all matter, particularly upon awakening. It shimmered all around me, and I could conduct its movement by waving my arm. What fun! Now, one month after the experience, I see myself as positive, confident, free, and serene. I am more excited than ever to share this blessing with others.
I know that we will have the freedom to present this experience more as the African Bwiti have, in an initiatory, formal setting, with a preparation that will deepen and expand the effectiveness. We will train for this when we are there, and each of you will be “Mother Ibogaine” to the ones you will shepherd through the experience. AFTER we have each explored it sufficiently to understand it for ourselves. It defies verbal description. It must be experienced to be defined.
The physical reactions that I noted were first chills up my spine, such as we feel when the truth is confirmed within us. Later, I perspired excessively, rivulets coursing down my face. With the new information I have received, my perception of the vomiting has changed. First, let me say it was easy, not a painful or harsh throwing out. Also, the Africans and many of the native cultures, use purgatives as a symbolic cleansing and throwing out of the old before a spiritual quest. This cleansing is sought for and valued as a preparation for receiving the new light. I feel this is an effective and more healthy approach to this initiatory experience.
As we experience and learn more, we’ll find just where this wonderful gift from Mother Nature can and will take us.